My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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