And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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