Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
When are your genitals available?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
