Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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