so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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