my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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