can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
