very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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