i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
