he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm at about main and main street
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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