i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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