Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
