I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
