I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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