I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
