I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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