Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
