Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
