1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
