The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I want her autograph on my taint
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
