Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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