In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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