my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
