Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
