her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
