I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
