I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
