I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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