Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
