Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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