Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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