do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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