she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
