He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
