hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
