planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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