i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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