Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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