Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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