it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
