your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
