I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
