I swear god or herbie drove my car home
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
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it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
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I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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