I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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