Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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