I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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