I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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