His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
