i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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