Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.