i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
