My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
