I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
