So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
