if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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