dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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