I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
