Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
