It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
